stay alive.— [six/kassandra]

[Deleted]

Six didn't want to die, and he was beginning to worry there was nothing he could do to prevent his death at this point. Normally he was the first one from the district eleven squad to head to bed, still in his sleeping routine from the farm where he'd have to wake up before sunrise. But, he had another nightmares. His nightmares were becoming more and more frequent - and more graphic - the closer they got the Hunger Games.

This one was specific. It was Mauve, killing him. His fear of Mauve was bigger than ever after he stabbed her in the hand with a fork. This was a bit shocking coming from the soft-spoken farm boy from district eleven. It ended with her tackling him to the ground and peacekeepers having to separate the two. As soon as he finished his dinner he went into his bedroom and hadn't left, fearing consequences.

But now, it was about midnight and he was wide awake from the nightmare. He slipped on some slippers and went into the main room for the headquarters of district eleven within the training center. There was a single other person in here, Kassandra. She seemed nice enough from what he could tell, and hopefully if she was told about his earlier incidence with Mauve she wasn't too pissed off about it. He never told her just how scared he was of dying, but it was about time he told someone. After all, it was her job to keep him alive.

When he called out to her from across the room, his voice revealed how tired he was. He was being relatively quiet to not accidentally wake up anyone else who was involved in district eleven - especially if he was going to make a scene. For now he managed to keep his calm, but he did look a little shaken up. Whether it was from the events earlier in the day or if it was from the nightmares was impossible to tell. Either way, he hoped she saved any shouting for the morning.

"Um Miss Kassandra? Can we talk for a little bit?"

[sbeeg]

What a way to live and die

The novelty of the Capitol was stretched thin. The cigarettes from the corner store didn't fulfill the hunger in her lungs, nor did any of the sweets decorating every table. She nursed a beer but kept thinking of how much better the brews back home were. So much of everything, and yet all of it empty. She was beginning to realize why Persimmon baked all the time, her cookies were full of attention and concern. Capitol sweets were sterile. Machines and silent servants baking them into uniform perfection. No burnt edges, no soggy middles. No character.

It was quiet on the eleventh floor and Kass once again found herself alone. Despite being in one of the more populous rooms it was hard to find company. She was far younger than the rest of her Victor peers but only a few years older than the tributes. An awkward age in the middle of what the Capitol used district citizens for.

"Um Miss Kassandra? Can we talk for a little bit?"

Kass turned at the voice, it was Six. He sounded tired but after the day he had she wasn't surprised. He'd stabbed the girl from Three with a fork earlier and incited a fight. Kass thought it was funny but had learned better than to laugh at such things.

"Don't call me miss," she said, feeling far older than her twenty years. She looked at his squishy baby face and gentle red curls and wondered if she had looked so infantile when she arrived in the Capitol for the first time. She'd been a year young than six, her own mane of curls long and wild and constantly being fought with by the stylists. He didn't have a spine like Delroy, and none of the calm in which many of the tributes entered the storm. He looked very much a child.

She took a swig from the dark brown bottle.

"What do you want?"

lyrics from Be an Astronaut by Declan McKenna | table by griffin

[Deleted]

Six felt weird not addressing the victors with more formal titles, he had even referred to Flynn as 'Mr. Garner'  before Flynn requested he just use his first name. The thing is, sure many of the victors were around his age, but it was different. They were different. They had gone through Hell and made it out the other side somehow. He wanted to show them respect. Respect to their fights and their struggles. Respect for the trauma that would haunt them for the rest of their lives. Respect for the people they killed and the people who died to save them. But, he also sort of understood why they didn't always like the title. It was a reminder that even if they're young, their lives and their childhoods were still ripped away from them by the Capitol.

That's when Six noticed the bottle. He was tempted to ask what was in it, but he decided not to. He knew what was in it, and he couldn't blame her for it. And honestly, part of him wanted to ask for a drink. He wanted a way to tune out of life for a little bit, to forget the situation he was in. But, he decided not to do that either for a couple reasons really. The first reason was, he needed to do everything he could to try to get on God's good side and drinking was a sin. He would commit enough sins in the coming weeks and he didn't want to add to that list. The second reason was, training while hung over sounded like a pain in the ass. He had never been hung over himself, but he had seen Prop hung over. Of course his parents lied and just said Prop was sick, but Six wasn't stupid and his brother had reeked of alcohol.

He was thankful that she didn't even mention the fork thing, part of him hoped that no one bothered telling his mentors about it. He thought maybe that they got his name and district mixed up so Flynn and the other district six mentors had to hear about one of their tributes stabbing someone with a fork instead. Either way, he didn't really care what the reasoning was. Six did feel bad about doing it, he didn't even realise he did it until he saw the blood start coming out of her hand. He even tried apologising for it! But apparently psychos don't care if you apologise after you stab them with random utensils, who could have guessed that?

Then there was the question that got to the root of everything. She asked what he wanted. He was trying to think of the best way to phrase and to talk about things. But that's when his mind started taking control and all of his thoughts began to race. His mind conjured up images of him being killed in different ways by different tributes. The words that Mauve had told him after he stabbed her repeated in his mind, raising his fear and anxiety levels. As his mind raced he was having trouble trying to organize them. And then, he tried speaking. His words came out in a rambling blur as he tried his best to stay calm to no avail.

"I- I- I don't wanna die! I don't want to die. If I go into that arena, I'm not coming back out! If I run into Mauve, she's going to kill me. Half of those other tributes could kill me fifty different ways with just their bare hands! If I- If I have to go in there I'm never coming back out! Going into that arena is entering the gateway to Hell!"

[sbeeg]

What a way to live and die

The poor kid dissolved into a mess. He started going on about dying and how every other tribute could kick his ass and he was as good as dead if he went into the arena.

"Going into that arena is entering the gateway to Hell!"

Did he expect a vacation?

Kassandra looked at him and tried to wear the neutral face all the other Eleven victors had mastered but she couldn't quite get the hang of it. There was a crease between her brows and her mouth turned down at the end. She didn't know how to babysit a teen through a life crisis.

"Okay, then die," she said and took a swig from the bottle. The words felt good on her tongue. The burning mischief of words she knew Persimmon would disapprove of and she knew didn't soothe any hearts. Kass had never sent out to calm souls but to spill truths. "If you go in there thinking you'll die, then that's what you're going to do."

She thought of the thick purple fabric they had wrapped around her tiny frame. The metal of the blaster in her hand, and then the weight of the light swords. How blood droplets danced unburdened by gravity. She had been one of the smallest and youngest tributes her year. She'd broken her dominate hand early on and she knew it was a liability. Her whole body was working against her and all she had was her mind.

Kass wondered if she could replicate it. If thrown into the same space station with the same kids could she hack it as a twenty year old, or was the cruelty and desperation of a preteen the necessary ingredient to claw her way home?

"It's too late to worry about dying now, so don't bother." She placed the beer bottle on the table in front of Six. "But if you're that scared of dying then you better start focusing on how you're going to keep living."

lyrics from Be an Astronaut by Declan McKenna | table by griffin

[Deleted]

He hated to admit it, but she was right. Panicking would get him nowhere. Giving up would get him nowhere. What he needed was a strategy. He had a few things he wanted to do when he first arrived at the Capitol. He knew he needed to learn how to use a weapon, he knew he needed to learn as much medical knowledge as possible, and he knew he needed stronger allies who could protect him. He had gotten pretty good at blades, he spent a substation amount of time at both medicinal plants and first aid, and he found two allies - Thad Pepperwood and Evan Macmillian. The issue was, it didn't feel like enough. Every year people did the same things that he did and they still got sent home in a casket.

He was silent for a while as he tried to calm his anxieties. He sat there for a couple minutes, just focusing on deep breaths. He took a final deep breath, closing his eyes as he did so. And when he opened them? He felt a hell of a lot calmer. But, he wasn't just going to go back to bed. Not yet. He needed an actual strategy, not just things he needed to do beforehand. He needed advice. And, his mentor was right there in front of him.

What else was in front of him? A beer. The beer was tempting to say the least. Without taking a drink of it he picked it up and studied it for a moment before setting it back down. Part of him wanted to do it. He doubted God would send him to Hell over one beer, and after what he would have to do the Hunger Games he was pretty sure his slot in Hell was guaranteed. But, it still took some consideration. After his hesitation he picked it back up and took a drink. Then he made a face. Beer is gross. He would never get why Prop drank that stuff.

He gave the beer one more shot, this time his drink lasted about three seconds before he set it down on the table - making a face once again. When he spoke, his voice was a lot calmer. Though, he still sounded a little upset. He was also starting to sound more awake and alert, the good thing about his panic was it woke him up from his half-asleep state. He reminded himself why Kassandra here, she was here to help him. He wouldn't want to help someone either if they were screaming at him. His voice was soft again, he was Six once more.

"I'm sorry for screaming mi- Kassandra. I just- the closer we get to the actual games the more panicked I've been getting. Night after night I've had nightmares. There was my issue with Mauve and then, I didn't even feel like myself. It was like someone else was controlling my hand when I did it. I didn't even realize I had done it until after. And that scares me more than anything. But, I shouldn't take my fear out on you. I want to live. I do. So how am I going to do that? What can I do?"

[sbeeg]

What a way to live and die

Six took a swig of beer and seemed to immediately regret it, but then as most children do he took another sip. The reaction was the same. That's the thing about beer, it takes a while to grow on you. Kass didn't like it years ago when she got her first taste either, but now it was as smooth as water. It made her head tingle after too many bottles and it helped her sleep. But that was nothing special. Every Victor in the building was reliant on something and whoever came out of the Arena at the end of the 88th would find a vice to lean on.

The kid tried to calm himself but it was clear he couldn't see the forest for the trees. He was upset about stabbing another tribute, but also freaked out by the concept of death and yet couldn't seem to connect the two. Kass sighed. She didn't think she'd been so blind at her age, but then again she hadn't been hesitant to do what it took.

"You already know what to do." She gave him a look half expecting him to put two and two together but then decided she shouldn't wait for it. Two and two made four, and Six was still a ways off from it. "Whatever made you stab Mauve, use it. I hate to break it to you Six but you're going to have to stab a lot more people if you don't want to die."

She should have left it at that but it was a rare occasion anyone asked her advice. She usually left mentoring to the older trio as they had years of experience turning murder and mayhem into nice little sound bites for the next round of unlucky teens.

"If you're serious about this, about winning and living, then you're going to have to separate yourself. Mauve is just a sack of meat, an obstacle in your path. You don't have to like it. You can tell yourself you didn't realize what you were doing..."

Faces from years ago flashed behind her eyes. She had known exactly what she was doing.

"But you will have to do it."

lyrics from Be an Astronaut by Declan McKenna | table by griffin

[Deleted]

Her words made a surprising amount of sense to him. When he stabbed her, it felt like an outside force. But now that he gave it some introspection he realised something. The thing inside of him was a growing fire inside of him. It was always there. It started as tiny embers, barely anything. But it had always been growing. Every time he was threatened or humiliated or pushed around, fuel was only added. Maybe the fuel was a single blade of grass or coal dust, but slowly the fire grew. And then, there were tipping points. Tipping points such as what happened with Mauve. 

He had always thought the issue was the fire itself so he supressed it, but there was more to it than that. That fire, like anything else, was part of him. It was part of what made Six O'Malley, Six O'Malley. And in order to win this thing, he would have to tap into that fire and become the truest form of himself. Instead of suppressing the growing flames within him he would have to control it, work with it. Doing anything else would only result in him, his allies, and anyone else around him to get burnt as the fire raged on.

It would be hard to do, yes. But nothing about this had been easy. Not even walking onto that stage when his name had been called out was easy. But, maybe it wasn't supposed to be easy. Maybe this was supposed to be his chance to prove that he was more than what he appeared to be. Not only had those around him underestimated him, but this whole time he had been underestimating himself. Today with Mauve he proved something. He proved that there was something inside him that made him keep going despite how easy it was to quit. He needed to keep that flame alive.

He grabbed the beer bottle and took another drink of it. The more he drank it, the easier it was to make it go down. He assumed it would work the same way with whatever it was inside of him. The more he learned to befriend that part of himself the easier it would be to not only use that part when needed, but forgive himself for what he would do with it. He was glad that he ran into Kassandra that night instead of his district partner or one of the other mentors. The other mentors probably would have just told him everything will be alright and walked him back into his bedroom.

But she was different. She treated him like an adult and sat him down for an adult conversation. Her job was to keep him alive, but that didn't mean protecting him. Rather, it meant showing him the truth and giving him the tools to protect himself. Though, in the end it was up to him what he would do with those tools. He was determined to make it through the first day at least. He had to. After all the work that herself and Ivan, the head trainer, and everyone else had done he owed it to them more than anything.

He took one more drink of the beer before speaking, "Thank you, Kassandra. Really. I feel like you could have told me what I wanted to hear and just sent me to bed. You could've gotten rid of me and done your own thing. But you didn't. You told me the hard thing, but that's what I needed to hear. I don't know if you've ever met him, but you remind me a lot of Vasco Izar. And that's a really good man to be like."

[sbeeg]

What a way to live and die

Honesty is an odd virtue and not one Kass was praised often for having. However Six seemed to appreciate it. He took a swig of beer and thanked her. It was so odd to be thanked for not doing something that had never crossed her mind. Kass would always be a child to the people around her, always younger and dumber until Eleven brought another victor home. She was the one being sent to her room not the other way around.

She looked at Six. He was only five years younger than her but at this stage in life those years meant everything. Five years was nothing to older victors, but this small handful of years between the tributes and Kass showed her how much the dead missed.

Who would Dio be if he got to grow into an adult? What about Ike? Her stomach flipped. Emily was somewhere in a closet, the little robot that had accompanied them through the Games. Certainly a better victor would have taken care of her, but Kass had not.

"I don't know if you've ever met him, but you remind me a lot of Vasco Izar. And that's a really good man to be like."

This kid didn't realize it but he'd given her one of the kindest compliments she could receive, and did not at all deserve. The Izar whose orphanage she had grown up, the Izar who had accepted her into his family when she'd come home to nothing. The man who always had a nice word, a kind gesture. The man whose life was balanced on a tightrope.

She shivered thinking of Lieutenant Harlow's empty stare. It was no secret Vasco wasn't a fan of the Capitol but having to dance around it in front of a Peacekeeper for the last two years had been difficult.

She wanted to be like Vasco. She wanted to be kind while also fighting wrongs but in truth she was weaker than him. Vasco was willing to put his neck out farther than any sane person would. Kass, while brash and honest, kept firmly behind the line. She suffered through the Lieutenant's small talk and gave excuses for Vasco's behavior, throwing dirt over his victories in a fruitless attempt to hide them.

"Thank you," she said softly. "He's a dear friend of mine."

lyrics from Be an Astronaut by Declan McKenna | table by griffin

[Deleted]

He let out a small yawn, he wasn't surprised at all that Kassandra had known Vasco. He felt like Vasco was someone everyone in the district knew of and all it really took to have a lot of admiration for him was a single conversation. After all, that's all that Six had had with him. But that single conversation had a profound impact on Six and it would be something he would never forget - whether he died in a week or he did seventy years from now.

Though, now that his adrenaline had died down sleep was hitting him all at once and it didn't help that the warm feeling from the beer made his pajamas extra comfortable. He looked like he was about ready to fall asleep right there and then, but it would probably end up hurting his neck or back in the morning. For once he wasn't scared of falling asleep and he had a feeling that at least for tonight the nightmares would vanish.

He let out one more yawn and stretched as he got up. If his action didn't convey his tiredness, his voice sure did. It was groggy and his words were a little slurred together, though it was definitely possible part of the fault of that was the beer rather than his lack of sleep. Either way, he was ready for bed. But he definitely wanted to talk with Kassandra in the future. And after everything she had done to help him, he knew he couldn't let all of that go to waste. He had to make it at least past the first day. He was going to at least make her somewhat proud.

"Thank you for everything tonight, Kassandra. I'm reaaaal tired and should probably be heading to bed 'bout now. But, I won't forget this. I'll try my hardest to make you, Ivan, and everyone else - all of y'all - proud in the arena. I can't promise I'll win, but I can promise I'll do everything I can. It was really nice talking to you."

But he didn't head back to bed quite yet, he wanted to make sure she didn't have anything to say first. He understood that the conversation and the topics may have been mentally and emotionally exhausting for her as well and he didn't want to just leave her hanging after everything she had done. Plus, maybe she had one or two last pearls of wisdom for him to think on in the moment before sleep would hit him.