light in the dark.— [prop/sunshine]

[Deleted]

I only had a day off of school after Six died. I didn't mind it at first. I hated being home, it felt so empty. Everywhere I looked I saw reminders of him. I wondered if the empty seat at the dinner table would ever feel less empty. I doubted if I'd ever be able to set foot into his bedroom without breaking down in tears again. And school was supposed to be a distraction from all of that.

When he died at first I was angry. No, scratch that. I was pissed. I wanted nothing more in that moment than to make Julian Le Roux suffer. I still want to see him suffer. I want to watch as he bleeds and begs for mercy. I had never felt that way about anyone until the moment I saw his spear pierce through my little brothers neck.

And the way he tried to act so damn gentlemanly about it all. There was nothing gentlemanly about that fight. Seventeen year old and two eighteen year olds killing a fifteen year old. Two out of three of them were adults and one was close. Yet, Six hadn't even hit his growth spurt. The Capitol expected us to believe that there was honor in that? Julian expected us to believe there was honor in that? That moment I swore to myself if he won, I'd find a way to talk to him on his precious fucking victory tour. Break him down and destroy him as much as I could.

But, the anger eventually passed. It wasn't replaced by happiness or even just the feeling of neutrality. It was replaced by depression and a sense of hopelessness. That day it was Six. But what about next reaping? Will we be sacrificed one at a time to the Capitol? Are we destined to suffer at the hands of the Julian Le Roux's and the Mauve Morganstern's of the world? Is that why the O'Malley family is here?

I had to try to be brave. At home and at school. I was never one to show my sadness to my family. Only one of my siblings had seen me cry in years and that was Fly shortly after Six had been reaped. And at school? At school I couldn't just show up sobbing, no matter how much I wanted to. I had to somehow pretend I was fine. But, it was obvious I wasn't. I was silent and no matter what anyone I said to me I spoke softly for once, as though my voice would give up at any moment. I was ready to give up at any moment.

And then a teacher gave us a new assignment and one thought popped into my head. This had to be some sort of sick joke. She knew that my little brother had just been killed in the Hunger Games. She knew my family was struggling, that this is not the first time an O'Malley had fallen victim to the Hunger Games. And she knew I wasn't in the mood to be around some happy-ass chick. Yet she still assigned me the topic of the 5th Hunger Games. She still picked someone literally named Sunshine to be my partner. How fucking stupid is this teacher?

She claimed it was all random, and maybe the partner selection was. But there is no way in Hell I somehow got the Hunger Games that Winger O'Malley died in. Her death was the reason my ancestors went batshit crazy and they passed their batshit craziness down to my parents. If she never died my parents wouldn't be such fundamentalists and my siblings wouldn't be as sheltered - maybe they wouldn't have had fifteen kids in the first place. Or maybe Six would still be here right now. Maybe he would have found a way to live. Maybe he would have killed Julian before he did that.

I tried to give the girl the benefit of a doubt as I entered the schools library for our first meeting. We'd probably end up going somewhere else, but my house wasn't an option. Usually the issue with the O'Malley household was the noise. A house so full the chaos seems endless. But now? Now the issue would be the deafening silence. Plus, I didn't need my parents to make me seem even weirder. The O'Malley family already had a bad enough reputation. Some people even thought we were a cult which I can't exactly say that I blame them for. Sometimes it feels like a cult. The girl was probably just as annoyed as I was, being stuck with someone like me for a partner.

As I entered I noticed the library was empty, maybe I'd luck out and she wouldn't show up. Maybe I could hurry and finish the district eleven tribute stuff before she even showed up so I could avoid that conversation entirely. But, I had a feeling she'd find out and point out the obvious. This must be how the Izars felt whenever the Hunger Games brought up. Their family is bigger than ours and has seen a hell of a lot more death. Though, there's some assholes in that family like Mayor Shortie.

The Izars would be adding one more grave to the family, Estelle had died just days before Six. Maybe that's why there was so many of them. If you keep popping out kids, one of them is bound to live eventually. But then I realised, maybe that's why my parents had so many of us. My parents see the Hunger Games as an honor. They see the Peacekeepers as necessary and support the Capitol unconditionally. Maybe they see it as if they have enough of us one of us is bound to win. I hope that Six's death showed them how bullshit this system really is.

I decided to start the project on my own. I set my supplies on a table and then started looking at the old books for any around Hunger Games history. Most of these were in rough condition, but we'd make it work. The entirety of District Eleven is in rough condition, but we all make it work somehow. We work with what we have which isn't much. The trick is once you find a book that has the information you need you flip through it to make sure the right pages aren't missing and that those pages are actually readable.