birds of a feather {sofia/ines}

[ines izar d11a 🖤 cait]

ines izar

My time at the Fair is coming to an end. I’ve spent the past few days wandering around on my own, flying under the radar and taking in the sights District Ten has to offer. They’ve gone all out for the occasion, yet even so, there’s only so much limited funds and a good harvest season can provide. I know that soon I’ll have exhausted every avenue here, and it will be time to return home.

I’ve spent most of my time in District Ten on my own, but I don’t feel lonely. When I look around I see other groups of kids my age with their friends, smiling and running and laughing, and it makes me wonder if there’s something I’m missing. It kind of makes me want to run away from it all, run back to my bed and crawl under my bedsheets because I can’t stand the thought that maybe there’s something wrong with me.

Then I remember I’m no better off back home, and I feel stuck all over again.

At least here there’s crowds by the truckload. As I walk amongst them, I’m almost able to forget about the loneliness settling in my chest. So I’ll try to make the most of the rest of my time before my return to reality.

I’m so caught up in my own thoughts that I’m not paying attention to where I’m walking, and find myself tripping over the ground. I manage to regain my balance before I fall on my face, and look down at the ground just in time to see a small furry body darting around my feet. I immediately recognise the animal as one of the puppies from the pop-up stand yesterday – the smallest one, a runt of the litter.

I watch the tiny creature weaving through legs in the crowd, stumbling over its own little paws. My delight, however, quickly turns to horror as another person almost falls over in a similar fashion to me. The poor pup! She could be trodden right over! Frantically, I kneel to bring myself down to its level and reach out my hand, gently clicking my fingers to gain her attention. The puppy stops, flicks its head towards me and slowly trods over and begins to lick incessantly at my fingers. Its small, pink tongue tickles and I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding.

“Hey little guy, what are you doing out here all alone?” I’d passed on adopting a pet yesterday for fear of what Nekane would say if I returned home with a furry friend. But maybe this is a sign. Maybe destiny has decided this is exactly what I need. I look around, trying to spot any worried pet-owners in the crowd, selfishly half-hoping nobody would turn up.

[Deleted]

I swear I'm trying my best to be a good dog mom. And it's not that I lost Chiquita per say - I'm just not sure of her exact location. I was letting Yani watch her and Yani left the cabin door open a crack. All it took was a good gust of wind and Chiquita was out. I don't blame Yani, I know she feels bad enough without me piling on.

Yani went one way to search and I went the other, neither of us knew which way the puppy went. Then, I spotted it - a flash of golden fur close to the ground. That had to be Chiquita. Or one of her siblings, but I doubted they both got out at the same time. I called towards Yani but she was too far gone. And I started towards the dog running around the fair.

"¡Chiquita! ¡Ven aquí Chiquita! Come on baby!"

Despite how worried I was, I knew if I sounded stress or angry, the dog would keep running. I did my best baby voice possible as I searched for her. I watch as someone tumbled in front of me. And after asking them they said a small dog tripped them. I was on the right track! And then I found Chiquita.

Chiquita was licking the hands of a young woman who had bent over to look at her. I may have not had her long, but that was definitely my little girl. Chiquita looked happy and unharmed, which made my heart rest easy. After Raquel's death, the idea of losing someone haunted me to no end. Part of being an Izar was loss. That was just a tradition we passed down generation after generation.

I slowed my pace so I didn't spook either Chiquita or the girl. I approached from behind so I doubted she saw me coming. Once I was a few feet away, I cleared my voice so I didn't spook her too much. I know how easily it is to distract yourself petting Chiquita. I was just worried about Chiquita deciding to chew on her. It wasn't painful, but it was surprising if you weren't prepared. And at the bonfire all she wanted to do was chew on Lorenzo.

"Hello, young lady. Thank you for finding my dog. My hermanita let her out on accident... you can keep petting her though, her name's Chiquita."

She seemed to be having fun with Chiquita and now that I knew she was safe, I didn't want to take her away from her new friend so quickly. After all, isn't that in spirit of the fair? Meeting new people? Chiquita was just trying her best to participate in the festivities - at least that was the lie I'd later tell Yani to make her feel better. Plus the young woman looked about Yani's age, maybe I do have a soft spot for my sister after all.

[ines izar d11a 🖤 cait]

ines izar

When people talk about love at first sight, they must be talking about puppies.

I am completely enamoured with the ball of fluff in front of me, caught in my own little world. Animals have a one-track mind – their life is so so simple, so easy. They’re not held back by their selves. They can live in the moment in front of them without regrets of the past or fears of the future. I like being a part of that bubble, where only me and this golden puppy exist. Happy. Carefree.

And then, the bubble bursts.

Behind me, someone clears their voice, and I jump at the noise. The tiny pup is oblivious, accepting my pats just as eagerly as before as I look over my shoulder and see a pretty young girl looking down at me, brown hair blowing around her wide-eyed face.

“Thank you for finding my dog!”

Oh.

“Oh.”

My heart weighs heavy, bringing my shoulders down with it. It’s hard not to feel slightly disappointed, despite knowing this is for the best, really. The girl was probably worried sick about her pet – I can hear the relief in her voice when she talks. I’m glad for the happy reunion – dogs don’t just appear out of thin air, after all. Besides, Nekane would never let a dog live with us. We’re still ironing out the rules of living under the same roof, but I’m smart enough to know a third addition to the house wouldn’t be welcomed.

It’s okay, it’s okay. These are the words I’ll keep telling myself until I believe them. It has to be okay; kneeling here, in the middle of the fairgrounds and letting a sprightly puppy lick my hands, makes me feel like it will be.

The girl tells me I can stay a while longer, and the weight on my chest eases slightly.

“Chiquita is such a pretty name,” I muse aloud, my hand running over the dog’s floppy ears. “I’ve never heard a name quite like it. Did you pick it yourself?”

And maybe I’m stalling, dragging my words and finding an excuse to keep the conversation going. But it feels nice to talk to someone who isn’t older than 40 for the first time in what feels like a year. I’m not too proud to admit that it’s been lonely since being adopted; even a shy heart starts to feel the ache of solitude after a while. So this is me, making the most of new encounters and seeking that camaraderie I’ve been missing.

[Deleted]

She seemed disappointed when I showed up, which I couldn't blame her for entirely. Part of me wished I had a second Chiquita I could just give her. It was like seeing Yani upset, it was hard to see. I gave her a gentle smile, trying to reassure her. Maybe I could talk to Lorenzo about if he had any left over puppies, but I doubted it. Besides I already had to find one for Mateo for when he turned 18. That way he wouldn't be as lonely. Was she lonely like Mateo too?

The girl seems kind, and she seems to feel a little better the more I talk to her. That's good. Talking helps people relax and forget the world. That's what I've learned from running a salon. Even when people shop in the store section of my business, they love to talk and chit chat. Because of this I've become a pretty good listener. And I've learned the right questions to ask. The right things to say in the conversation.

She asked about Chiquitas name, that's something I can talk about because it has a little history behind it. Izar history, no matter how small. Our family history is one I have mixed feelings toward. Part of me is fascinated by it, entranced by the stories of a world before Panem. But part of me is terrified of it. Stories like Raquels and Iago's are how we get our Estelle's. Izars volunteering because it's what we're supposed to do. We get so caught up in our past, we repeat it.

"Chiquita is actually a nickname in my family's language. It means little girl, it's a term of endearment. I was calling her it as a nickname, but I guess it just stuck. My name's Sofia Izar, what about you?"

[ines izar d11a 🖤 cait]

ines izar

For a moment, I feel light. I am talking to a person other than Nekane, freely and without worry of being scolded for my childish questions. A warm puppy-dog tongue licks at my fingers as I listen to the stranger talk, answering my questions easily, and I feel so light, for a moment.

She starts by telling me about her dog’s name, Chiquita, and I test it out, roll it on my tongue as I whisper it under my breath, not wanting to interrupt her explanation. “It means little girl,” and it’s so fitting, sits so neatly atop the small dog’s head, that of course her name is Chiquita – nothing else would do! “A term of endearment,” something binding and true, and I might have half a mind to feel sad that I don’t have something like that of my own, but I just feel so, so light, that it’s impossible to be broken-hearted.

It’s when she keeps talking, revealing more truths about herself, that my heart starts to sink.

Izar.

I feel my heart stop – physically stop, stuttering and shattering and it feels like I’m choking on the air. This must be a test, it’s the only thing I can think of, and I start to look around frantically, looking for the familiar shade of brown that is surely watching on from the shadows, waiting for me to falter.

But there are no spying eyes looking on; there’s no hint of deceit in the girl’s eyes. It’s just myself and a dog called Chiquita and a girl called Sofia who is supposed to be my family now.

Family.

This is a word I cannot bring myself to say.

“What about you?”

And I am so torn.

To a promise made to Nekane that I would keep my head down, keep my distance, keep my existence a secret, “it’s safer this way.” It’s unconventional and lonely sometimes, but it’s my second chance at a better life. I don’t want to mess up and lose it all.

And yet maybe this is fate. Maybe this is exactly where I’m supposed to be. Maybe this is a new beginning, a chance at family, that foreign word that feels so wrong in my throat. Maybe it is easy, to say my name, christen it anew, Ines Izar. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

The world still seems to rock around me. The delicate balance Nekane has been building for me seems so much more fragile now, with this chance encounter.

I am trying to hold myself together, keep the peace so I can keep living in this new life of mine. That’s why I answer her simply, vaguely: “My name is Ines.”

Just Ines.

And:

“I should probably go before I say anything else stupid.”

[Deleted]

I pretended not to notice it, the shift.

The way the girl went from calm, even happy to almost panicked when I said my name. I wasn't sure why that was a thing. As far as I knew, Lorenzo had only one younger sibling so it wasn't that. Though I wasn't going to pry a girl I just met. I swear if I find out that little shit Mateo had been bullying her in school or something-

She introduced herself as Ines, despite the panic. I was concerned of course, but it wasn't my place to ask questions to her about that. So I decided I'd do what I could to make her feel better, "Ines is a lovely name..." I was going to follow it up with a topic change from names, maybe she didn't have much of a family. That would make sense.

But then, she got ready to leave.

I should probably go before I say anything else stupid.

Fuck Sofia, what did you do to make her feel that way?  I tried to think back to anything I may have said to make her feel down on herself like that yet I just couldn't. Regardless of why she felt like that, she still felt like that. And even if I didn't intend on hurting her, I felt like I did. So in my mind I needed to right it, or at least try to.

"Miss Ines, you haven't said anything stupid. And I apologise if I've made you feel that way. But I understand if you still want to go. At least take this, and please reach out if you ever need anything. If you want to stay and talk, I'd like that too."

I handed her a business card for my salon. It had the address and phone number for my business. I wasn't sure if she was from Eleven or one of the other districts at the Fair, but at the very least she could send me letters if she ever needed anything. I wasn't the best older sister to Yani all the time, and I felt like this was a step in making that right.

"I don't know where you're from, but if you're ever in Eleven and need anything from me in person or even just a nice cup of tea, ring the door to the salon even when it's closed. I live right above it."

I hoped I was doing this the right way. Now it would be her choice what happened next, if anything. And if she needed help with anything, she knew she had someone to turn to. When Raquel died I felt like I had no one. I never wanted anyone else to have to go through that. Though I know they do. Every year 23 families go through what we did.

[ 466 words ]