i need you so much closer /asher+ky (post 88th)

[✌ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ]

K Y

He leans in the doorframe, early morning light coming through the curtains splits him straight down the middle. The look in his eyes is far away, in his head, he's already gone.

"I just don't trust Val with the greenhouse, alright? He's probably going to photograph the plants dying before he deigns to water them," he tells Opal, suitcase standing behind him in the hall. The first train out of the Capitol is set to leave in half an hour. "I'll call you from the landline when I get there."

It's Five in the morning and that explanation is enough. Ky pulls the door shut behind him and pulls his hood up out of habit. The city sleeps for only a few hours a day and five in the morning is the sweet spot. The party-goers have finally collapsed or retreated indoors and the working class are holding onto sleep for as long as they can before their grind begins again.

Ky grabs a coffee from a 24-hour bakery outside his mother's apartment and walks quickly down the street towards the train station. Crows run along the street in front of him, pecking at the discarded remains of someone's drunken snack. They scatter as he approaches and then regroup behind him, fighting over an old hot dog.

The wheels of his suitcase are loud in the emptiness of the morning but Ky barely hears them, he's too caught up in his thoughts again. Ky grins, that tired kind of euphoria one gets from lack of sleep flowing through him with the caffeine.

"Goodbye, love you."

He is the only person in the entire world this morning and Asher Clarke said he loved him.

Since yesterday afternoon, he's tried to overthink that sentence a hundred times but not even Ky can misconstrue that.

"Goddammit Ky, just come home."

"Good morning," he says to the pigeons hopping all over the fountain in Victory square. The brick archways to the train station are a mere thirty feet away and Ky will be on a train in minutes. He doubts that Asher knew he'd be coming back so soon, especially with the crowning of the new victor today, but he can't help himself.

He tried to sleep last night but when he shut his eyes, he heard the wind through the apple trees and there was summer on his skin again, touching down so gently.

"come home."

Alright.

It's only been a couple weeks since he last saw Asher but it feels like much longer than that. His hands feel too empty and the feeling has become unbearable overnight. He walks quickly across the square and steps up to the ticket booth set into one of the brick archways.

"Ky Earnest, son of Opal Earnest, victor of the 64th. Passage to District One, please," he says as he slides his papers across the counter of the ticket booth. The woman behind the delicate metal bars over the window barely looks up from the screen she works at before she pushes the papers back.

"Next train leaves tomorrow."

Ky pauses, his mind is sharp but for a moment, he thinks he heard wrong. "What? How do you mean? It's the morning."

It's not like he could have missed them.

"The trains all left days ago to pick up officials for the after party in Saturn City and they'll all be retuning tonight. There's no trains available until tomorrow, so go home, kid."

He pulls his papers back slowly and folds them back into his wallet. The woman in the booth continues working on her screen, ignoring him. Ky ducks his head a little and steps away, suddenly a little bit shy.

A bench sits along the tracks a little ways away and Ky wheels his suitcase over and sits down. He turns to look at the large metal gate sitting a little ways down the track, closed to protect the Capitol from unwanted guests. He's seen them open again and again, then shut behind him as the train pulled them back along the tracks to the districts.

He sets his coffee cup down on the platform and then lays down on the bench, hands folded over his chest, his eyes on the clear blue sky above his head.

Ky knows that he should just go back, that he could just go crawl back into bed and try to sleep, but that far away look is still in his eyes. There's nothing for him back there. The scared boy that came to the Capitol four years ago with so many questions is gone. Everything that Ky wants is back home and whether it's now or tomorrow morning, he won't leave this platform unless it's on a train.

He shuts his eyes and waits for one to take him home.

[ᴥ]

Asher Fray is many things, none of them as gentle or loving as he'd like them to be. A forest fire or a torrential rain - he knows hunger and he knows how to consume. He's got greedy hands that crave warmth and teeth that only know how to tear. It's been years since his father tried to kill him and still he understands everything that terrible man tried to do. For as long as he can remember he's wrestled with his shadow.

This is the first time he's felt even close to winning.

He pulls his scarf around his ears, hands carrying the remnants Justice's hair gel and a cologne he got for his birthday that smells of sandalwood and roses. He had meant to meet Ky at the station, not buy a ticket and board a train himself but when they said no trains were coming in, only going out, it'd been an obvious choice. Made harder than it should have been by the call he'd made home to let Poppy know where he was going.

The last time he'd bid his sister goodbye it was with conviction. It was final, it was a promise.

It was an open wound, apparently, because this hollow feeling in his chest won't go away. He's got to keep telling himself he's not trekking toward that old mansion, falling apart on the inside but freshly painted so that it may still pretend it houses a legacy. He's safe and Poppy's safe and Cedric's safe, and Justice is still a fucking prick. And also safe.

God, he should be over this by now.

Ky is making him all weak and wobbly again. His heart keeps fluttering in his chest, skipping beats and making him feel like he's burning up while freezing over. It's driving him nuts. He went through the effort of styling his hair this morning, but it's long since been torn apart by nervous fingers. It felt proper to get all dressed up for the boy you just told you loved but he's quickly regretting the attempted sentimentality.

Workout clothes would be way more comfortable than this stupid button-up. The starchy collar is already irritating the skin on his neck. What was initially supposed to be a quick walk to the train station has become a torturously long ride. He's been on the verge of snapping for over three hours now. Other's excitement beats against him, exhausting because they smile and try to make small talk.

"The party is going to be iconic." The intruder's hair is fluorescent pink, patchy because there's no way he could afford a second bottle of dye unless he planned on starving for a good selfie.

Which, frankly, too many do.

"Samson is gonna be there, and the new victor. I wonder if Ky Earnest will make an appearance - he's single now, right? And local."

Asher craves bloody knuckles and broken skin. He hates that his first impulse is dripping in violence and anger. What it lacks in eloquence it makes up for with efficiency and no chance of being misunderstood. Any other day he would have shoved the perfectly innocent stranger away from him and called him something unseemly. He'd have picked a fight like he picks at the calluses on his fingertips. Because it hurts and it's familiar and it's safe.

Not today, though. Today is too important.

He squeezes his eyes shut and he clenches his fists at his sides. He thinks of Ky and he curses his name because he's the reason he feels so much more than anger these days.

"Fuck off or I'll punch you in the face." There's a beat of stunned silence so he adds, "Please."

The ride is blessedly quiet after that.

The train rolls into the station and Asher doesn't dare to hope. Ky won't be there. It makes no sense for him to be there. His confession was clumsy because that's all Asher's love is capable of being. He hadn't meant for Ky to know about it, it had slipped past a bitten tongue and now it's just laying out there between them. Twisting his insides up into knots that make this feel like a huge fucking mistake.

Just come home. He'd told Ky.

Because Ky was the one who ran away.

Because he'd told Asher he was afraid and Asher couldn't bear to tell him it would be okay.

There's no way this will end well but still, he wants to try. Somehow all that does is make him feel even worse.

It's like stepping into a dream. He's arrived in the Capitol with nothing more than the clothes on his back. He's just stepped out of the train that was meant to carry him to his death all that time ago. It's early and he's tired - there's still bags under his eyes and he can't seem to keep his hands from shaking.

He tries to take in the sheer opulence of the train station but it's not long before his eyes find him. Like they always do, like it's all they know how to do. Ky dozes with his head propped up on his suitcase, brow furrowed he's caught in the midst of an unpleasant daydream.

Ky was always pretty but the sight of him has grown into something sacred over time. Something Asher wants to have and cherish as opposed to observing from a distance. Hopefully Ky won't blame him for being so selfish.

"Ridiculous, making me come all the way out here to get you." He shoves his hands into his pockets because they feel safer there. He comes to stand in front of his friend, smirking down at the top of his head. "Can't you listen? I told you to come home."

[✌ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ]

K Y

It's easy enough to slip into a light doze while he waits. Ky didn't get much sleep last night, he was too nervous, so that constant exhaustion still holds him tightly. His hand falls off the bench and his knuckles graze the platform of the train station. It's been a while since his dreams were good.

He dreams of the train, of the sun setting and golden light beaming in, cut up by the mountains and the trees on the horizon. The car is full of people but he knows none of them. A woman sits a few rows down, a handful of playing cards splayed out. Her partner laughs over something she's said but it's too muffled to pick up what they're saying to each other.

It doesn't matter. He's watching Asher anyway. He's sat across from him, his eyes on the land rolling past, his chin cupped in the palm of his hand, so focused, he's beautiful. The train ride goes on for forever and Ky forgets about the pain in his chest. He forgets about his responsibilities, they don't matter.

He watches Asher and he doesn't think about anything else, he just rests.

But something pulls Ky from his sleep. The grinding sound of metal moving against metal brings him back slowly. It takes time for him to realize that a train's come back from the districts. He doesn't open his eyes, it's safer to stay like this, drifting close to sleep, untouchable in the moment. The last thing he wants is to be recognized.

It works for a little bit, he slips into a lighter sleep, one not as nice. He's walking around floor thirteen of the training centre, an abandoned picnic left to rot and television screens all around stuck on permanent grey static. "Hello?" he calls out. No one answers but he can hear them, people milling around, so loud. Watching him, they're always watching him. His heart rate quickens, and Ky walks around the corner in search of the elevator. It's gone, just a blank spot on the wall where it should have been. He turns and runs, trying to get away from the noise but he can't, can't even move, he's trapped again and the voices are getting louder.

"Ridiculous, making me come all the way out here to get you."

Asher's voice cuts clean through the white noise and Ky stops running. The grey walls of the thirteenth floor melt away and he lets out a grateful sigh. Even when Asher isn't here he's saving his ass. He smiles a little bit and starts to settle again.

"Can't you listen? I told you to come home."

Outside.

The sound is coming from outside his head.

He's missed Asher so much, he's wanted to see him again for so long that it only makes sense that he'd start imagining him. Or maybe, he pocket dialled him in his sleep. He's stuck for a moment, not wanting the dream to be over now that Asher's saved it but needing to double check and make sure that he really isn't right here.

He opens his eyes.

Black hair and a smile that only reaches his eyes sometimes. Hunched shoulders, freckles, three seconds from running and the scent of the forest. Ky's eyes widen. His mouth opens and then shuts, then opens again. "You?" he asks, joy and confusion hitting him at the same time, "You came to get me?"

A laugh bubbles in his throat even as his eyes well up with tears. He needs to touch to make sure so he reaches up, eyes on his, searching and places his hand on his cheek. It's warm. He slides his thumb across his cheekbone and it's soft. "You really came for me," he still doesn't really believe it.

He's only ever been left behind.

A uselessness comes over him, It feels like relief and gratitude all at once. Then a wave of affection so strong that Ky doesn't know what to do with it hits. He wraps a hand around the back of Asher's neck, and pulls him down towards him. It's good just to touch him. It's been months now since that afternoon in the orchard but he hasn't been able to stop thinking about kissing him since.

He's still so scared of hurting him.

"Are you okay?" he asks because he isn't. All of him aches, all of him burns because all he's ever wanted is to be loved and now he is.

For a moment, he just holds him like that, shaking, skin against skin, face so close to his that he can see the different tones of colour in his eyes. Part of Ky still questions all of it, knows that Asher loving him is too good to be true, that it all has to be some elaborate dream, but his hands are rough and he smells of moss and the early morning sun.

Ky loves him too.

"Can I?" he whispers, eyes searching his.

Then he pulls Asher closer and kisses him.

[ᴥ]

You? You came to get me?

It feels like an accusation. And Asher knows it shouldn't, that the way his muscles tense in response to the exclamation are remnants of all the poisonous little habits he hasn't managed to shake. It's his own weakness, not Ky's. It's his fault not Ky's. Like it always is. He rocks back on his heels, near recoiling at the joy in his companions gaze because there's no way in hell he deserves the tender way those fingers are now tracing the contours of his cheek, dipping into the places it hollows and leaving a trail of sparks in their wake.

But he wants this. He wants this so much he doesn't have to words to reassure so instead Asher rests his hand atop Ky's to keep it tethered to him. He lets himself grow accustomed to the touch and then warmth like he's never felt begins to trail up his neck. He can feel himself burning from the inside out. It's colorful. Bright pink, bordering on red. Dangerous and so fucking wonderful.

"They said the trains weren't-" His voice is hoarse, dying halfway through a feeble explanation, "I missed you." Like he's never missed anyone before. Sentimentality was usually wasted on a callused boy with blunted tongue. As far as he was concerned there was nothing worth yearning for.

Except, of course, for that strange dying boy. With resigned eyes and a gash in his stomach, too stubborn to admit he was in pain, so obviously Asher couldn't leave him alone. God knows the trouble one can get into when they walk around with their head in the clouds.

Love is anxious, he's learned. It's an uncertain feeling that he can't bring himself to grow accustomed to. He didn't know, then, that that stupid boy would come to mean so much to him but, looking back, he'd do it all again. He's happy with where he's found himself, however begrudgingly. "Can I?"

Ky's eyes are on Asher's lips and so he rubs them together because he can't muster the wherewithal to feign composure. It's not his first kiss but it's the first one that matters. It's the first one he's ever fantasized about, the first one that's taken up such an uncomfortable space in his mind since a certain forsaken afternoon in a stupid fucking orchard. "No shit." He mumbles, thrilled at the pressure of fingers at the back of his neck.

The kiss is perfect, even though its not. Asher's breath stutters out from between his lips, shaking because it's been a long time since anyone has been this close to him. He's scared, of course he is, because this means nothing will ever be the same. There's no forgetting the feeling of Ky against him, all warmth beneath his fingers as he balls up the collar of his shirt in his fists in an unspoken plea.

Closer, please.

He kisses Ky until his lungs ache. It's not often that he lets himself be greedy and when they do part he laughs before he kisses Ky again, the ghost of a smirk lingering on his lips as he does. Are you okay? He'd asked, like that question had an easy answer.

Because he's not, but this might be the closest he's ever gotten.

"I hate you so much." He keeps his forehead pressed to Ky's, too embarrassed to meet his gaze, "I'm always making a fool of myself around you."

[✌ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ]

K Y

It's stupid how long he resisted this moment. He can't even remember what drove him from it so intently before, some stupid piece of his ego that insisted he was protecting Asher by keeping him at arm's length.

Or maybe it was just the fear of having to open himself up again in the way he had for Emmett. How stupid, how fleeting and ridiculous that his first love would be a tribute.

Whatever it was, none of it really mattered, they were all just obstacles he'd placed between them as if that could keep him safe. All he'd managed to do was hurt himself.

And him, he'd hurt Asher too.

Fucking stupid.

His arms snake up around Asher's neck, tugging him down until he's almost laying on top of him on the bench. There's barely any space left between them now but it feels like far too much for Ky. He wants to wrap himself up in Asher, slip under his skin, feel through him.

Almost feels like it will never be enough, he'll never get close enough.

They combine until they've reached a threshold they can't cross and by the time Asher pulls himself away because Ky certainly won't, they're breathing hard, almost in unison. Still connected. Ky shuts his eyes briefly, and pushes his fingers up into Asher's hair, pressing his forehead up into the other boy's in an embarrassingly needy way.

"I hate you so much."

"No," Ky grins, and opens his eyes, "You don't." Nothing can make that stupid little voice in his head question that again. It's as if with this, everything's changed in his head when it comes to Asher, it's like for the first time he's running with clear thought.

"You could never," he whispers, eyes searching his. He hates the way it still comes out a little bit like a question. "You came to get me," he repeats then, hands falling from Asher's hair to cup his face again. He can't keep the wonder out of his voice, the absolute love that he feels in this moment. It's stronger than anything he's ever felt before, he's too confident, almost drunk on power.

"I'm the one that likes you," he whispers in answer to Asher calling himself a fool, "So I guess I'm a fool too, right?" he asks.

Ky can't keep his hands off him, can't stop touching, even after the last few moments it still feels like some strange sort of fever dream, as if he's been injected with tracker venom or something akin to it.

"I can't believe it," he says, mouth still moving, words just falling out from him, his usual filter silent for once. "I wanted to... I wanted to do this months ago I just thought...." he says, faltering.

Thought what? He was protecting Asher by keeping him at arm's length?

"If I didn't claim you, I couldn't lose you?"