ghoul prowl . d4 . fin
Sept 20, 2021 7:22:19 GMT -5
Post by kap on Sept 20, 2021 7:22:19 GMT -5
ghoul prowl
I’m a ghost, or at least I think so. It doesn’t make sense for me to actually believe I survived. What happened should’ve killed me. My bones should have been shattered. My heart should have stopped.
I wasn’t born with the name ghoul, but I changed it after the accident, because it fit better since I don’t feel like I’m alive anymore. My parents insist that it was some sort of miracle that saved my life. They tell me that there’s no way I’m dead. Apparently, according to them, I still exist on the plane of the living. I’m not sure I believe that.
Yet another reason I don’t believe I’m alive anymore? It takes a lot to make me feel pain. Honestly, an average person could punch me square in the face and I probably wouldn’t flinch, although I’m not encouraging people to do that to me, either. Knocking my teeth out might not hurt me much, but it doesn’t look good. I’ve been told it’s a nerve disorder that makes me lack the capacity for feeling much pain, but I genuinely believe I’m just not alive to feel it anymore.
Growing up, I loved doing things that were probably considered really dangerous. I’ve always been a risk taker, and that’s what caused the accident to happen. I won’t elaborate on exactly what my accident was, but just know that it wasn’t pleasant. Now, I’m even more of a risk taker because I don’t think I can die again. It just shouldn’t be possible to kill someone who’s pretty sure they’re already dead, right? As a kid, despite being a risk taker, I did fear death, but not anymore.
If I did get picked to go into the Games, I wouldn’t be afraid. I’d even volunteer if I felt the time was right. I don’t have those fears about getting killed that everyone else has. I also don’t fear killing. I’m not sure why I don’t fear killing. Perhaps it’s because I’m so conditioned to be ready for it after years of career training. I’ve been training as a career since I was about seven years old. It’s something that helps me escape from my mind, and it feels good.
Career training makes me feel like I might be alive sometimes. It makes me feel like I actually have blood pumping through my veins again. I never feel like I’m very alive aside from then. Maybe I’d feel alive in the Hunger Games. I suppose the only way to find out would be to go in and try it out, even if I have to volunteer for it. Would I fear death in the Games if I actually felt alive? I wonder…
My sisters think there’s something seriously wrong with me for thinking I’m dead. My younger sister thinks there’s something wrong out of concern. My older sister thinks I’m bonkers. I’m not even sure how to explain it to them without making those thoughts of theirs worse. I can’t make it any better. I can’t fix it unless I lie about how I feel, and I’m no liar.
I may look a lot like my sisters with the same pale skin and the same hair color, but I don’t really relate to them otherwise- aside from by birth. I care about my sisters, but we’re nothing alike anymore. We used to spend a lot of time together, but we’ve grown apart since the accident. I wish I could go back to before. I wish I could live again.
***disclaimer: Ghoul isn’t actually dead, he just thinks he is
