the ending for now.— [killua/adrian]

[Deleted]

I had a feeling of dread as I knocked on Killua's front door. Normally this place was like a safe haven, an escape from my home life. But I knew what was coming, a fight. I had spent the night at Zedekiah's house, trying to figure out everything in my head. Trying to organise my thoughts. My feelings. My emotions. Trying to figure out what was stronger, my love for Killua or my want to get along with my dad. I wanted to try to make things work with him today, I wanted to get things back on track.

I was pissed at him. He fucking outed me and basically told my dad we fucked. Of course I'm pissed. But, maybe the initial outing had good intentions. Maybe he was trying to help, not realising how bad it could make things. I just can't help but feel that if I was able to come out to my dad on my own terms in my own way, things would've been different. Maybe I could have made him understand. He wouldn't be so disappointed in me. This morning when I got home he wouldn't even look at it. It was like I wasn't even there. He looked hurt. Me being gay hurt him.

After a minute or two of no response, I knocked again a bit louder. I had texted Killua and told him I wanted to come over and talk. I thought about inviting him to my place, but this was better. Neither of us would have to worry about my dad being here and making things worse. There would be no negative reminders of that night with Zedekiah. And Killua wouldn't feel like he was walking into enemy territory. Though, part of me felt like I was walking into a wolves den.

I took a deep breath as I waited and felt my own pulse. Reminding myself that I need to be calm. Telling myself that if I trigger my own health problems it would only add fuel to the fire. That right now wasn't the time to react in anger or sadness. I reminded myself of all the ways Killua had been there over the years. He even showed up to my moms funeral for me. And the way he always helped me when I had no where else to go, no questions asked. The way we kissed and it made me feel alive again. I didn't want to go back to feeling dead.

I felt like a husk before we started dating. It was becoming harder and harder to find ways to make myself feel alive. I was existing, but nothing more. He reminds me I'm a living being. His touch is electrifying, shocking life into my heart. His smile sends a warmth through me I hadn't felt in years. I couldn't throw all of that away. But when he opened the door and I saw his broken arm, my heart dropped. Now I was reminded of my dads fits of violence. And I couldn't help but wonder if he was cause. Suddenly I was filled with guilt.